Hey and there's me thinking you had heard the last from me!! But oh no - after 3 years of no episodes what happens out of the blue - yes you guessed it...
The strange thing is that I felt it coming on - I was becoming a bit manic as things were going really well at work and at home , I started to get the spiritual feelings I get but this time they were stronger. I remember thinking right what did Dr Hamid say. I knew that Olanzapine would take a while to get into my system so i took Lorazpan. This knocked me out and got me two good night’s sleep. But then on the third night I was feeling really ill, and a feeling of evil around me and I must of got rid of the table when I was sick. Therefore I was up half the night being unwell.
Darell my partner wasn't really aware of what was going on as he was very tired from working and I know I perhaps should of woken him up then but I didn't, I started to panic as my mind was racing a bit at this point - I was thinking all sorts of things what if I had got cancer - oh no ... I had lost of lot of weight over the last month - nearly a stone and I couldn't really afford to as I was skinny anyhow - now I looked like a bag of bones.
I decided to take the day off work and get myself down the doctors, Darell came with me as support - bless him. They checked my bloods etc and thought it maybe my thyroid. I was very agitated and Darell could see that I was not myself - I was talking about the 'spirits and demons' again so we decided to ring Dr Hamid, we left a message saying it was important for him to ring us back as I could feel another episode coming on and I didn't know what to do...
I was starting to think all sorts of things positive and negative and was becoming paranoid that someone was trying to get me - this is all part of a pysotic episode.
Paranoia is one of the worst, I could also feel evil around me and I was having increasing evil thoughts, which is so unlike me as normally I am a very positive person.
As we hadn't heard from Dr Hamid we decided to ring the Crisis time, Darell spoke to them initally and said he was very worried what should he do - well they were no help at all - sorry crisis team - to the point I even said ' well what happens if I thought aliens were on the planet' they said well a lot of people think that!!! HELLO - I am crying out for help - I was having no thoughts of self-harm or killing myself so what constitutes a crisis - I knew I was going to have an episode but they didn't seem to take it on board.
I couldn't relax and I had thoughts or I could say voices in my head - Dr Hamid's secretary who is very professional and good at her job - rang us back and we booked an appointment for the following day. I was pleased about this, so my mind relaxes a bit. I said to Darell I needed to go away from here as it was making me feel to clautraphobic so we decided to take the dog (Oh yes I have got a dog, bought him as a pressie for my other half!! So cute!) and go camping for the night as the weather was lovely.
In hindsight this was probably the worst thing I could of done, I felt extremely elated and was feeling the spirits and everyone was on my side, however my brain was switching between good and evil, like some invisible being was playing tricks on my mind. I was seeing faces in the clouds again like I always do but they were more prevalent
As soon as we arrived at the campsite I froze - something was telling me there was a lot of negativity around this place ( in my language and world I call it evil spirits) I immediately said to Darell I don't want to stay here lets go - he said we are here now so come on relax.
We met some really nice girls - now for some reason whenever I have an episode I go into film mode - so this is exactly what happened - I thought I was on a film and being filmed so I started to act out scenes from different films - god knows what the girls thought ... I then started to wind Darell up so he got annoyed. Why, I don't know...... We went for a walk and that's when bad things started to happen - I was imaging all sorts of things in my mind that there were UFO's in the sky and that I was trying to shoot them down - we were then practising being on a chat show - silly things but I was acting them for real. All of a sudden I walked off from Darell, when I turned round all I could see was him as a ghost - I screamed his name stop it stop it but as he was coming into focus I saw him as something out of a horror movie - I have never been so scared in all my life so I started to run - my mind was playing tricks on me... It was probably one of the scariet things I have ever seen and I wanted to get as far away as possible from him... I ended up on a busy round and tried to wave a car down as I was hysterical - Darell for some reason had it in his head that I was going to kill myself so he rang the police . As a car came round the corner he threw me in a ditch and started acting like a soldier it was all very bizarre - I thought am I really doing this and it felt like something popped out of my body and brought me back to reality with a bang... (We have talked about it after and he said he was not sure why he acted like that he just knew he had to protect me)
All of a sudden the police turned up and I was relieved, they handcuffed me now sure why but hey I was so happy to see them as believe me when you see your loved one like that - you would go with anyone just to get away.
The police officers were brilliant, a bit abrupt at first but I was trying to calm down - they took me to the Lakes in Colchester and I was feeling panicky and I wouldn't go in to start with but the police officers kept reassuring me so I went...
They left me with the carers and for once I felt safe - I know it sound bizarre as I was in a 'Mental hospital' but I didn't want to be outside in the world where all this negatively and evil goes on...
They brought me a cup of tea and my mind relaxed a bit - they were asking me loads of questions and I responded in funny enough a calm fashion.
They initially brought me out a bit of paper and started to read my rights and what I was being sectioned for - I stopped them in their tracks and said that I had an ' Advance decision ' that has been set up between Dr Hamid and myself... but unfortunately their copy wasn't signed or up to date so I wasn't prepared to listen to them...
They continued to talk to me but the negativity started again and I could feel evil spirits surrounding me again I started to panic and pretend that I needed to act out my worst nightmare so that I could release the demon inside me (all sounds very bizarre but to me it was like living hell).I started screaming stop get off me and pretended that I was ripping something out of me it was awful but I felt like I had to show them that to release what was holding on to my mind and what I was convinced was a demon. I have very strong religious beliefs and although I am Christian, I know that in the Catholic church they perform what is called an exorcism where they have specialist people to perform this act. I needed help from someone who understood spiritual encounters but I think the staff were totally shocked and I know I scared the hell out of them. I dread to think what it looked like if someone had filmed it - as I had totally lost the plot. Once I had done this they handed me two tablets to take to calm me down and I was put in a room on my own to 'cool off' - I was getting really agitated and hated it so then they came in and injected me three times in the bum - I was scared and didn't want this to happen - I kept saying why are you doing this - I am only a human being nothing to be scared of .After this I was taken back into the assessment room and persuaded to take my tablets - my mind was totally frazzled by then and I was thinking all sorts of things - I thought they were trying to kill me - mind was obviously over reacting and getting paranoid again. I remember one carer said ' trust us this will really help' so I did what he said and took the last two remaining tablets - BANG - that was it the next thing I knew I was walking up in a bed - I didn't have a clue where I was although outside looked familiar - I came out of my room and saw that I was in the Linden Centre - I felt kinder safe as I had been here before and this was all that I was requesting when they took me into the Lakes..
I thought it was Friday but it was Saturday so obviously I had lost a day of my life - totally wiped out by the drugs as my mind needed to rest and boy did it - apparently they had transported me during Friday when I was comatose to the Linden Centre - I don't recall any of it or the whole day .. Scary thought but it needed to happen as I was manic and obviously possessed by some unknown entity...
I started to talk to other patients which made me feel a little at ease but I still had the parania like somebody was still trying to get me - My fiance came to visit me every day whilst I was in there and yet again I started smoking! LOL! The Linden Centre has changed in the last 4 years; it seemed like chaos - the majority of staff didn't have time to talk to patients - too much paperwork I expect. By the way if any politician gets to read this - MORE money needs to be invested in Mental Health!!
I found it very difficult to sleep at the Linden centre as I was still suffering from bouts of paranoia - it was awful - I remember one night I woke up and heard a helicopter overhead - I thought that is it they are here and are going to get me - I rang my partner in the middle of the night and screamed down the phone to come and get me ...I was petrified... the staff had to calm me down ..I think I took a sleeping tablet to calm me down ... I don't remember exactly.
I started to get better and chat to the other patients - they all had their different stories and I was trying to help them and also help myself. I was still scared so I asked for Level 3 supervision from staff - this means that someone is with you 247 even when you go to the toilet which was strange at first but I got used to it - they really helped me as I was able to talk to staff about my problems and also to help what they were going through. It was very interesting and it got rid of my paranoia and anxiety attacks.
The demons were slowly going and I felt like I was returning to normal.
One night there was a lot of commotion going on and this guy came in and started to throw chairs and bang his head on the glass window - this set me off again and I was scared so I requested to have some overnight leave as I wasn't going to sleep knowing that he was on the ward - he frightened me. So after a ward review with Dr Hamid I was able to take some overnight leave.
I still felt a little scared at home and one night I started to have a panic attack because I felt evil spirits again - Darell my partner rang up the Galleywood ward and I requested to speak to Cloud who is a staff member at the Linden Centre who understood my spiritual nature he calmed me down just by talking to him and I felt so much better.
I was then increased leave for a week and have slowly been getting better. My work has been fantastic and have supported me 100% especially my boss. She even came to visit me a few times in the Linden Centre and came to a review with Dr Hamid which was very helpful.
Whilst I was in the Linden Centre, Dr Hamid referred to me to a Chaplain who was Catholic (I know from a different religion but we all worship the same God!) she understood everything I was saying about the mind being able to absorb external factors, hence the fact they perform exorcisms which are not normally spoken about.
I am not sure why this episode came out of the blue the only thing I can think of is I had a lot of stress at the time not with work but external factors along with heightened spiritual activity lead me towards another episode. I believe that my episodes are a combination of a chemical imbalance and a spiritual opening in my brain.
I know that the brain opens up to energies positive and negative that surround our world, this causes our mind to not be able to rationalize things. I truly believe that when my mind is in this heightened state that it becomes possessed by some unknown entity. I know that it some religions they believe this too especially Muslims. I believe that some kind of ceremony would have helped me recover when I was initially put in hospital as each case is completely different, I do not believe that injecting me with tranquilizers is the way forward, I am a human being not an animal. I am also due to see the senior priest shortly to discuss some options so will keep you posted!
You should ask yourself really where do all these negative and positive thoughts come from, as we all get them and perhaps people should be more open minded about what is really going on in this world.
9 May 2013, 08:12
What a Truly Amazing Person!
1 May 2013, 10:39
8 Jan 2013, 00:26
31 Dec 2012, 14:16
Thank you for the Blog
18 Dec 2012, 03:01
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18 Nov 2012, 08:27